Ways to Not miss Caleb

this fez-wearing, beard-growing, man will do

1. Do not think about him – really how hard can that be?

2. Lie to myself – what husband? Who is Caleb?

3. Create a false husband – one that licks his own balls, but does cuddle when he gets cold.

4. Stay busy enough to – to blog about him constantly – what?!

my ideal false husband

5. Don’t drive anywhere, or walk, or ride my bike for that matter. I have nowhere I need to go and be reminded of his smiling face, comforting hand, or beautiful singing voice.

6. Pack away all his clothes, the soap he forgot, his dirty dishes, and take all the pictures off the wall. Don’t forget the calendar!

7. Throw a tantrum – for no other reason than I haven’t in over 20 years!

8. Don’t work out – no one to look good for (right now) or shower with 😦

spend most of my time eating donuts!

9. Don’t take showers – there will be no wet towel for me to dry off with.

10. Don’t read books – he’s not here to interrupt every time I’ve learned something.

11. Don’t make recipes – harder to half-ass things when he’s not around to fix them.

12. Don’t walk the dogs – he’s not here to carry the smelly bag.

art by Johnny Waterman

13. Don’t write poetry about him – especially while listening to sad music – what is wrong with me?!

14. Don’t watch Epic Meal Time – brain candy for him, torture on my vegetarian soul.

15. Don’t sleep in bed – and then wonder where he rolled off to – he isn’t here.

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4 Responses to Ways to Not miss Caleb

  1. unity2k says:

    Add:

    1. Oh yeah, you are a lesbian now and Caleb no longer matters.

    2. Commit yourself to a hospital for the criminally insane and get on so many meds that you no longer remember anyone.

    3. Start a career in porn and imagine all men as Caleb.

    4. Walk into the Pacific and don’t stop until you reach Caleb.

    5. I found 11 other Caleb Aldridge’s on Facebook. Friend them all and you will never be without Caleb!

    Like

  2. Such a helpful list – and of things I can attempt to do! Thank you!

    Like

  3. Thats a cute post Jessica. Dunkin donuts will always be your substitute friend. So whats going to happen to all the smelly bags from the dogs?

    Like

  4. I will sadly have to tote them around myself… Unless I can find someone that is willing to carry them for me! Or I just pretend that I don’t have dogs and force them into their backyard to enjoy the sunshine and cold wind out there.

    Like

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