Good Night Poem

txnight

I lay here and I think of you,
Happy thoughts yet still I’m blue.
You were there when I needed you,
But now your hugs I’m overdue.

I want to cherish you and hold tight,
But those days are gone ever since that night.
I’ll do what’s right and set you free,
I can’t always just think of me.

You gave me your body, heart, and soul,
I will try to give back to you tenfold;
but when I fail do realize this,
You’re the one I’ll always miss.

I’ll shed another tear for you,
I’ll see another sunset without you.
I’ll hear your heartbeat just one more time,
and I’ll wait till your hand is on mine.

I love you now, I always will,
No matter if my voice gets shrill.
Goodnight tonight and tomorrow,
Never again will you feel sorrow.

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Free To Be Me

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There’s a marching band inside my head,
I only want to stay in bed.
I’m up and trying, dragging lead,
If it were up to me I’d be dead.

I carry on and walk along,
I sometimes hum a happy song.
How much longer must I play along,
Before I finish this sad song.

It’s cold out here, I start to bleed,
Just a little glad I can’t feel my feet.
It trickles down as it warms my seat,
A simple sign of soon to be relief.

Goodbye today, goodbye tonight,
Even though I’ll miss the starry sight.
It was wonderful the moments when I
wasn’t sad or set a fright.

They weren’t enough, they never are,
Happiness always seemed so far.
I tried to reach and to believe
that one day I’d be free to be me.

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Spring Break 2019

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This will be unlike any break before it — spent with cold meds, textbooks, and peanut butter. I need to spend the week catching up, so I can be better prepared and have more time to study in the next eight weeks.

Since last month, I have learned to chip and putt, but only when I can remember to not “break my wrists”, keep my butt out, and always accelerate through. We will be playing on the Balboa Park Golf Course starting in April or we can go to the driving range if we’re not ready to compete against our classmates on nine holes.

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There has been a lot of rain this month, and sickness, so on the days that the soccer field wasn’t closed to prevent our cleats from messing up the field the coach called out too, so this gave me more time to study bones (all but the three of the inner ear, so 203) and muscles (about 80, since it’s difficult to see the deeper ones on models and cadavers) for anatomy — two exams. My grade went from acceptable to awesome, but I’m hoping to do better when we test on the nervous system in three weeks, as I already know the location and function of the 12 cranial nerves.

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Chemistry lecture isn’t going as well as I had hoped. There are hundreds of elements and a million ways to combine them all. It doesn’t help that I completely missed an online assignment worth 20 points, but I talked with the professor and he said he would drop that from my total grade, so that will raise me a letter grade.

Chemistry lab, on the other hand, is going amazingly well. I spend hours watching the professor’s videos and reading the handouts and writing the procedure into my lab notebook. I come prepared, make a minor mistake each time (learning opportunity), and then write about it properly in my post-lab discussion. The only thing I still struggle with is the professor’s humor to have multiple choice quizzes with most of the options being “none of the above” or seemingly tricky.

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how many bones (65), and landmarks(~90), can you count?

I finished my managerial accounting with a 96 or 97, depending on how the professor rounds. The final was six questions and I had two hours to complete. I thought I might spend 20 minutes like I did on the mid-term, but ended up spending 90. My business calculus class is still hanging on by a thread. My midterm for that is in two weeks so I need to study because it accounts for 30% of my overall grade.

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herbed bread

Kickboxing is the easiest class, and it should be at only half a credit. It allows me to blow off steam from the week before going into the weekend. I can see classmates making improvements in other areas of their life — stretching, diet, studying, and rest because the coach cares more about the whole person than just teaching them to punch people in the face (which we avoid).

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(~48) muscles: origin, insertion, and action

I will spend the rest of the week: getting ahead on chemistry labs and doing all the worksheets that have been handed out; coloring, drawing, writing, and using flashcards to study the nervous system; do all 45 practice questions for the math midterm; and go to the gym with Caleb when he gets back from dropping our boat off in Montana. My online kinesiology class starts on April 1st.

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Caleb has been busy mowing the yard (to keep up with the rain), doing dishes after making me dinner, washing and hanging laundry, sewing more on his quilt, and experimenting with new bread recipes to keep me filled up on carbs so I can concentrate on studying and getting in some steps when I need a break and we take a walk together.

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Our shower started to leak more than usual so we got a guy out here for the day (on the landlord’s dollar) to saw through tiles and wall and replace our two handles with one. It’s a bit of a shit job (metal piece stabbed me and grout all over crooked tiles), but at least there’s less rust to be seen.

Our eleventh anniversary was 18 days ago and Caleb made sure his gifts arrived a day early; mine would arrive two weeks later. He got me an owl necklace (to go with my varied collection of the wise animal) and some earrings. I got him a personalized key chain with an acronym for March.

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The principal at work had a birthday and the 7th graders had a little song, with drums, and dance performance to celebrate as they presented her with a cake. The boss gave me a test to administer to the students and he retested the ones who failed the following week. The class average is D.

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The lady that bought the pizza last time hasn’t spoken to me (I’m glad), but the boss still wanted to do pizza and ice cream so I’m grateful I was able to email out of it due to being sick enough to leave anatomy class 45 minutes early one night. But there is a new intern that has impressed the kids with her knowledge of meditation and yoga so she can fill in for my absence and I will see them all after they get back from their two weeks break.

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sheep’s brain with dura mater on the left

Other than all the homework in my life I still find time to walk the neighbor’s dog, watch a TED talk with Caleb during dinner, and talk to my Dad almost daily. I’ve only woken up late once but still made it to school on time and to my favorite parking spot. Caleb rearranged the living room and I thought it would bother me, but the layout works, so I just pull the curtain halfway as the sun begins to set so it doesn’t blind me.

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All Alone

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I’m all alone without you; without your unconditional love.

I’m all alone without you; not a shadow near to shove.

I’m all alone without you; no more for you to see.

I’m all alone without you; as you float upon the sea.

I dream about you daily; you’re in my thoughts at night.

I wish you were here weekly; you appreciate me meekly.

I miss you more than monthly; as the loneliness succumbs me.

I want you oh so badly, but that’s what I couldn’t see.

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20% Done with Spring Semester 2019

 

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before the shoes’ first game

 

When I’m not doing homework for one class it’s because I’m doing homework for another, driving to/from class, or taking care of my basic human needs (which sometimes doesn’t include a shower on the weekends).

I’m ok with this; it’s what I signed up for. I got to practice my golf swing with a 9 iron (for high loft and short distance) or from my pad of fake grass to over the softball fence. I succeeded in this about 10% of the time when my ball wasn’t going to the right or just short of the fence (but the heavier the ball the easier it was to move). I have to work on keeping my elbow straight on the swing, because when I do… I improve my par.

 

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crossing campus, still parts under construction

 

Soccer has sadly been indoors (30 minutes on a spin bike) or canceled for an out-of-class assignment (watch and analysis half a match) due to the 2-3 inches of rain that San Diego has gotten recently, but double that further inland and the county should be over its annual average by the end of the month. Luckily, we had an amazing day of sunshine and I got to try on my new cleats/boots/soccer shoes and play right midfielder (position 7) which translates to a lot of running, and me learning to pass the ball back.

Anatomy is a lot to learn and I’m glad I had introductory classes/prior experience or I would be far behind in the amount of knowledge that our bodies hold (and that’s not diving into the brain), just all the bones, holes, and crevices that surround it. My first quiz was terrible, but my grades have been increasing since, so some of the information is sticking, which is good because I will need it as the semester continues as does my education moving forward.

 

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testing the system

 

I have my first chemistry exam on Thursday over the first three chapters. I have lots of studying to do to memorize the metric prefixes, some chemical laws, and how to convert measurements. Then we get to dive into the elements of which we did an introduction to atomic theory today before going into the lab to separate a ternary mixture of sand, NaCl (salt), NH4Cl (ammonium chloride) and an unknown. I dumped the water/sand solution through the filter because I made the hole too big — this will give me something more to write about in my post-lab discussion.

Managerial accounting is still the easiest class but the calculus is a struggle as I spent three hours on homework and in the book (also online) but only got credit for 75 minutes. I had a lot of fun in kickboxing, but some people are there to not listen to the coach and get rid of anger. I don’t want to work with those individuals and they limit the learning opportunity for others.

 

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cooking away NH4Cl at 1,004° F

 

Went to work today with an umbrella, my water bottle, and some writing assignments on my phone for the kids to do since they’re not allowed outside in the rain and puddles, nor would I want to be out there with the wind that’s over 20 mph. The boss thought ahead, since he’d be missing again this week, and decided that they would develop a workout plan to include 300 minutes of cardio weekly along with 90 minutes each of stretching and strength training.

He promised them pizza last week if they ran for 30 minutes and 17 students were able to do it, but without him here I didn’t worry about it… that is until the coach’s assistant came in and ordered two small pizzas for $30, without my boss or her boss’s authorization and then wanted me to pay her for it. I collected the kids’ assignment and the principal said the pizzas would be donated to the after-school program and that the school does not give food as a reward. I don’t like being caught in the middle of politics.

 

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spilling the experiment — will affect results

 

I have a four-day weekend that will be spent doing homework to consist of a lab report, watching soccer, studying for my anatomy test and practical on Wednesday, doing math problems for calculus and chemistry, and hopefully finding time to go to the gym since I don’t know what their holiday hours will be. Caleb is working a varied schedule and keeping up with the housework and making omelets so that I can focus on my lessons.

I have more in common with the professors and the homeless people around campus than I do the majority of my classmates. I’m sure that’s a personality disorder on my part, but it’s where I’m at in my life. I’ve tried to call my dad but his phone goes straight to voicemail; so I’m not sure what the issue is there, but I can believe he’s busy too. Caleb’s dad recently added a compression fracture of the lower spine to his list of maladies, but seems to be up and moving around… something I do much less of these days while I sit through lectures and stare at my computer for hours.

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