Till It’s Gone

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I’ve heard it before. You don’t miss something till it’s gone. It’s not that I don’t miss my blog, but I feel that I have writer’s block. I look back on all the amazing things I wrote about and feel sad that I don’t have those memories now – or the option to reread them would be more accurate. I could change that, and I should, but I’ve tried multiple times to go back into the past. I shouldn’t focus on it, as the present is more important, and is where I’m at now.

The only person I have to blame for this is myself. I can’t blame it on moving to another country as that gave me plenty of blog fodder, though surprisingly my statistics tell me that I published the same amount of posts in 2014 as I did in 2013. It wasn’t till 2015, when my mom passed in March that I was only able to push out 13 posts, and those were about countries I’d been to outside of Bahrain, but not complete stories.

I found my time there interesting and blog-worthy, and definitely had lots to say about my mom – her life lived and all the opportunities to share with her that are now gone. I cried for months, and I still do some days, though I know it won’t bring her back. I found it hard to do things I’d grown accustomed to. Everything – food, writing, sleeping – reminded me of her, so I spent hours working out in an attempt to escape the pain that only time will help to lessen the burden – or be a constant reminder of their absence.

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I published a post upon return to the States in hopes it would motivate me forward. I was halfway through a second post when I got criticized for the first and it’s been a draft since. I’d like to think I take constructive criticism well, as I want to learn from my mistakes (if I won’t take advantage to learn from others) and perfect the me in what I do. I realize it’s our faults, as much as our perfections, that make us who we are. In that case, I don’t want to get rid of mine. I want my identity to shine.

They, people who have suffered loss, say it takes at least a year to heal. I’d agree with them, mostly. It’s been 17 months and I found the move back to the States more stressful, hence the inability to write about. I didn’t know where to begin. I pressured myself to jump back in, full force, but to what. I hadn’t been in school full-time with a full time job and a hundred hobbies before I left, so why the rush.

I was worried about being stagnant. It was an ok excuse, though I always got puzzling looks  (and sometimes jealous ones), while overseas, but back to the homeland I felt I had to make up for that time. I realize now that I made the decisions that were right for me at the time. I have no regrets and am in no rush to change who I am. Yes, I want to grow and learn, but I shouldn’t do so at the expense of my mental health.

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Some people use age as a point of acceptance (they keep the cards they’re given) and others use it as a trading point to change their situation – something we should all constantly be doing. I signed up for classes to change mine and force socialization (since I’m paying to attend). I look forward to what the future brings, which is hopefully more posts from me – regardless of what the critics say of my grammar, content, or writing style. I’d like to see them live my life and then write about it in a way that inspires others as I have to get out, or stay in, and do; to see their world from another perspective.

Good luck to those that are trying daily to be the change they want to see. Here are two quotes from inspiring authors that seem fitting.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Will Durant

“What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.” – Gretchen Rubin

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