[My first funeral, at 8 years old, was for my step-siblings’ mom in Kentucky. My second funeral, at 14 years old, was for a senior classmate and fellow clarinetist in Texas.] I woke up at 8:21 and had to wait till 9:05 to take a shower, then was the trouble of finding out what to wear. I thought my pin-stripe pants would be too tight, but my other pants were too short, so I put them on and tried to find a shirt. We went through my little red shirt, Chili’s shirt [found at the UnMall, a boutique in Florence], cousin Stina’s red shirt, and her mom’s.

I ended up wearing too tight of pants, a shirt too short, and her tiny jacket that cut off circulation in my arms. We had to be to the funeral home [in Kansas] at 10. I was falling asleep on the way there. We started the service at 10:48, and I barely shed a tear. Even the people that cried weren’t too bad. We listened to one song, 2 readings, and a poem from cousin Andrea. Grandma Baker didn’t even look like herself. I think that made it much easier. She looked like a porcelain doll. Her hands were so fake. I was glad when it was over.

I got a chance to see the family. I changed into something more comfy [comfortable], and we were headed to the church for lunch. Stina called her dad for directions, and he hung up on her, so we went to Dairy Queen for directions. I had a bite of Jello stuff and 2 pieces of cake. We came back to Lois’s to relax, and her and Jerry got into a fight about Aunt Anita and his kid, both issues dealing with money, but he was out of line to call his wife’s sister a cunt. Jerry apologized to Uncle Robert when he walked in and I left.

I was in a nap when cousin Mike called and asked for a ride to work. He told me to go back to sleep because I wasn’t making any sense. I woke up at 530 pm, and everyone had already left for the memorial. When Mom got back, I asked her what time we were leaving tomorrow, and she said Wednesday. I went and cried. She came in and asked what I was doing. I told her I was tired because I was. When was she going to tell me? Well, she said she had some shit to take care of (aka take pictures of Uncle Butch’s tombstone [my grandpa’s brother who died in July].

Well, even though that’s a 20-minute drive in the wrong direction, that’s a morning thing, not all day. She sounds pissed, but I offered to go. At least I will be able to sleep in my own bed or see one of the five friends I have. Here, I feel so alone because everyone else is so busy. This makes me appreciate the Navy much more [because you are rarely alone]. And a lot of the people there appreciate me much more than a lot of the people here [I doubt that]. I have a special love for them. They will call me and see how I’m doing. I love that.

My mom can’t find time to ask about me [a bit selfish considering the situation] unless I’m crying [because she just lost one of the two people she loves most in this world] and just totally out of a normal state of mind. I wish I could help teach her parenting skills, but she’s like Barry when it comes to those things [something about his kids not getting affection, so I’m not allowed either. It’s traumatizing.] There’s just some things you learn to put up with, and parents are one of them. But she has at least the next 2 1/2 months to help me decide whether or not I want to see her again [I always do] on my next leave or whether or not I even want to keep in contact.

But seeing as how I’ve had so much time to go through all my stuff, I will have to come back at least one more time. I’m not looking forward to it. Something [childhood traumas] about that place stresses me out. Anyway, then Aunt Janet comes in and turns the light on, and Nate calls for his movies. I get up and wait on him. Me, Christy, cousin Alex, cousin Robert, and Stephen leave here [my aunt’s house] at 8:30. We go to Walmart to waste some time. Alex and Stephen have walkie-talkies. We make it to the mall at 9:45 for a 10:00 [showing of] Meet the Fockers.

There wasn’t very many others in the theater. I thought it [the movie] was cute, but Alex thought it was a waste of money. We were leaving the theater, and Robert was getting in the car when Alex told Christy to hit Stephen, so she stepped on it with the door open. He came running up. It was funny. Now, he’s flipping through porn and eating chocolate-covered cherries. It’s 1:01 am, and I think I’m getting up at 6:30 to go home [Mom’s house] tomorrow.